Another Day, Another Blog

September 5, 2007

1984, the sequel

Filed under: politics, what not to say — iamza @ 9:53 am

A U.K. judge thinks everyone should be on the national DNA database. Currently, any person arrested in England for all but the most minor of offenses can expect to have their DNA added to the national database. Even if they are not prosecuted, or are found innocent of all charges down the line, their DNA remains on record in the national database. Senior appeal court judge, Lord Justice Sedley, thinks this is an unfair state of affairs. His solution? Expand the national DNA register so that it includes samples for the entire U.K. population, and all visitors.

There are not enough words in the world to describe how repugnant I find this suggestion, and that it should come from a judge just reinforces my utter distrust of the British justice system.

This is the same justice system that was recently overhauled to remove the double jeopardy clause, so that people can now be tried for the same crime more than once.

It is the same justice system that promotes the idea that passersby remove themselves from the scene of a mugging or beating, and not attempt to help the victim because, if they do, they may end up facing charges for assault or GBH (and, incidentally, also have their DNA added to the national DNA register for the rest of their natural lifespan).

This is the same justice system that puts people into prison for ridiculous offences like not paying council tax, but also releases serious and repeat offenders because there’s not enough space to house all the convicted felons.  

And now they want to add my DNA to their national register? What, so that when PC Joe Bloggs finds he hasn’t quite met his quota of arrests for this year, he can mine the register for an extra suspect or two? I don’t care who ultimately winds up in charge of the national DNA register, the potential for misuse/abuse of the data contained therein is enormous.

The current system is unfair. What this judge is proposing is even worse.

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August 20, 2007

D’oh

Filed under: the joy of life, what not to say — iamza @ 8:33 am

Dear Virgin Media,

Thank you so much for responding to my email notifying you of a fault with my phoneline, and for reconfirming that, if I call you on 151, I can speak with your customer services team for free. Unfortunately, I have no dial tone on my Virgin phoneline. This makes the free call somewhat problematic.

No love,

Iamza

June 4, 2007

Drive-by letters

Filed under: the joy of life, what not to say — iamza @ 2:06 pm

Dear Lady in the snazzy new mini behind me,

Your car may indeed be bright and shiny and red, but this does not make it a fire engine. I do not have to get out of your way, and I will not drive more quickly just because your bumper is practically touching my rear number plate.

No love, etc.

Dear Fiat,

Thank you kindly for the recall notice on my Fiat Panda. As you can imagine, I was somewhat disconcerted to learn that the car I have been driving for these past ten months has a problem that could cause the engine to catch fire. If you’ll excuse me now, I feel I should probably give your service centre a call, before my car explodes! 

With thanks, etc.

May 21, 2007

Food, glorious food!

Filed under: humour, what not to say — iamza @ 4:40 pm

Today’s favourite headline comes courtesy of BBC news: Supermarkets devour Indian traders. Beware of supermarkets, people; next thing you know they’ll be looking for dessert!

 

May 9, 2007

Choking on a vote

Filed under: the joy of life, what not to say — iamza @ 7:00 am

Why does it always drizzle when I’m down in Devon? Why can’t it be drizzling at home, where my grass is slowly turning brown in that way grass has when it is hydro-asphyxiating?

Wouldn’t it be fun if grass turned blue when it was over-watered? Just think: in the height of summer when the water restrictions and hosepipe bans come in full force, the council could save so much time and effort when it comes to hunting down the ban breakers. Just look for the blue lawns, and send the coppers in to do a little fundraising for the public services.

Speaking of councils and public service, it’s been four days since the local elections, and I still don’t know who got into office in my area. I know who I voted for — almost a guarantee that they didn’t get elected — but never quite worked up the enthusiasm to look up the results once I’d performed my democratic duty and voted. It’s kind of like going to the horse races, laying down a bet, and then not sticking around to find out who won… 

Actually, that’s not entirely true. I did check the BBC website a couple of times on Friday, but my area was just very slow to finish counting the votes. Either that, or everyone who could vote in my area turned up at the polls, unlike the rest of the country. I don’t know, people just aren’t interested in going to the polls, and I can’t say as I really blame them. If everyone’s ballot paper looked like mine, there was no real choice in terms of candidates. Being asked to pick between Labour, the Tories, and the Lib Dems is like being asked to choose whether you’d prefer to die by choking, strangulation, or asphyxiation.

Thanks, but, uh, I prefer none of the above.

Sadly, there were no candidates from the Raving Monster Loony Party standing in my area. I would have voted for them based on the name alone. Hell, on my ballot paper, it said I could vote for three candidates — I’d have voted for the RMLP three times over.

I am somewhat tempted to stand as an independent in the next local election. I have no idea what I’d do if I accidentally got elected, but it’d be a fun way to meet the neighbours.

“Good afternoon, my name is Za and I’m hoping you’ll vote for me in the upcoming local election. I promise if I’m elected to overwater your lawn until it turns blue, and install some security guardfish (I personally favour goldfish, but piranhas aren’t bad) to keep those pesky burglars at bay. Also, I’ll make a raving monster loony costume of my very own to wear to all public functions that include the words Hallow and Een.

Hey, aren’t you glad I live next door?!”

March 13, 2007

The green team

Filed under: what not to say — iamza @ 10:32 am

Green seems to be the new colour of choice for British politicians. How fortunate then that at the end of this week, it is St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, I realize it is not ordinarily a holiday celebrated in England, but perhaps, just this once, Cameron, Blair, Brown and co. will delight the nation by walking about town dressed as leprechauns. Better yet, they’ll find a rainbow, and go off hunting the fabled pot of gold, and forget to come back…

Green tax annoys me. No, I don’t want the Earth to die a horrible death, and I certainly don’t like the idea of being trapped in a planetary sauna, breathing toxic fumes and watching as a sea of sludge creeps towards my front door. At the same time, green tax means that I have less money to pay for luxuries like solar panels or wind generators or environmentally friendly cars like the new diesel Volkswagen.

I do my best to live a green lifestyle. I recycle what I can, and try to minimize kitchen waste by buying as much fresh produce as possible. I intend to build my own composter, so that I can recycle the vegetable matter my local council does not want put into the green bin. I’d like to upgrade the boiler and ensure that all electrical and gas equipment has at least a B energy rating. With the exception of the bathroom, all the rooms in my house have been fitted with energy saving bulbs, and I try to turn off all electrical equipment at the wall, and not just leave things on standby. I try not to fly long-haul flights, but there are times when, because of work, it is unavoidable. Yes, in the summer I will be travelling to Germany to visit with my sister, but it’ll be the first time I’ve seen her in three years. I’m doing my bit, mostly with a smile, because it feels right.

Green tax is a way of forcing people to adhere to a new set of behaviourial guidelines. The thing is, most people don’t like being forced to do anything. Just ask a member of the police force how happy people are when they’re told there are a set of rules that have to be followed. Better yet, ask a nursery school teacher. And, with things the way they are at the moment, my personal feeling is that all the new green taxes recently being bandied about by British politicians are less about saving the Earth, and more about increasing the wealth of an already overwealthy government. 

Group A: “We think low-cost airlines are bad because they’re destroying the planet.”

Group B: “Ha-ha, good one. Now get out of the way–a weekend in Barbados beckons.” 

Group A: “We’ve tried to tell you flying is bad. Now we’ll petition government to hit you where it really hurts–your wallet!”

Group B: “Good luck with that, mate. No, seriously! I’m a member of government, and all those taxes you’re so keen on? They go straight into my wallet.”

February 28, 2007

What penguins at the North Pole are saying:

Filed under: what not to say — iamza @ 2:53 pm

We demand more hours of sunshine per day with our serving of global warming. All this darkness will be depressing when we have no icebergs to avoid.

February 27, 2007

Hello world!

Filed under: what not to say — iamza @ 12:58 pm

#include < stdio.h>

void main()
{
    printf(“\nPrepare to be assimilated\n”);
}

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