Another Day, Another Blog

February 28, 2008

And with the spring, all things shall bloom again

Filed under: bright ideas, the dandelion wars — iamza @ 10:53 pm

My mini daffodils are blooming, and filling the garden with some much needed colour. Everything else (aside from the ubiquitous weeds, and my lawn) is still looking decidedly dead. Come on, shrubs, wake up, damnit. Winter’s nearly over!

In another week or two, I shall have to dig out the gardening equipment — the spades and the forks, the clippers and the mower — and try and restore some kind of order to an unruly lawn. Hopefully, I should then be able to find the pond again without getting my feet wet.

I haven’t checked on the fish all winter. So, uh, why do I have this pond again? Oh, right, I inherited it.

I also seem to have inherited a pair of Avon ladies. I think the previous resident was cheating on her Avon representative with another Avon representative. I get catalogues delivered to my door twice a week, and they come with a note saying “Hi, I’m your Avon Representative. My name is …..”

The notes are signed with two different names.

I am still trying to decide how best to break the news of the previous occupant’s indiscretions to my real Avon representative. The problem I have is that I don’t know which if the Avon ladies is the one I’m ‘married to’, and which is the ‘mistress’. Perhaps I should just put out Karen’s catalogue when Megan is expecting to pick up hers? That way, I can be a safe distance away from the inevitable tears and trauma that are bound to follow. As an added perk, maybe both Avon ladies will decide I’m also a no-good cheating cheater, and that I need to be taught a lesson. Yep, no more Avon catalogues for me, ever!

October 31, 2007

This and that…

Filed under: the dandelion wars, the joy of life, writer's block — iamza @ 1:44 pm

It’s Halloween already! Good grief. Where did October go?

I have bulbs and roses ready to plant in the garden. Sadly, my garden has been sorely neglected over the summer, and it now more resembles a weedforest. I weeded a patch about a week ago, and chortled a bit at the thought that any bugs that haven’t already migrated south for the winter (not that they’d get very far without a bug ark of some description, given that there’s a sizeable channel of water between here and somewhere warm like, say, Spain) are probably even now writing to their local Bug MP about the problems of deforestation and desertification.

In other news, I am contemplating doing a nano-NaNoWriMo. It’s been ages since I last tried to write original fic. If I wrote 100 words a day for each day in November, that’d give me a 3000 word story. No, it’s not quite a novel, but it beats not writing anything.  

August 7, 2007

Postcards from the other edge

Filed under: bright ideas, the dandelion wars, the joy of life — iamza @ 8:25 am

Me: “I’ve got a huge thistle growing in the lawn!”

Mother: “Just cut it off at the stem, and use some weedkiller.”

Me: “But the weedkiller won’t work without the leaves.”

Mother: “Oh, okay. Wait, do you have a drill?”

Me: “Ye-e-es.” 

Mother: “So, drill into the stem, and pour some Jayes Fluid into the hole.”

Me: “And then sit and wait for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Plants to come knocking…”

Mother: “Use a silencer on the drill, and nobody’ll know.”

Yes, I love it when a plan comes together.

May 18, 2007

“Forward, the Light Brigade!” *

Filed under: the dandelion wars, the joy of life — iamza @ 9:00 am

Father: “No, don’t bother digging the dandelions out. The roots go too deep, and if you don’t get it all, the dandelions will only grow back again. Better to buy yourself a systemic weedkiller, and spray them with that.”

Me: “First power tools, and now poison. No wonder they say owning a home is something best left to adults.” 

The problem with using weedkiller to get rid of dandelions is that dandelions are smart. They snuggle in amidst the rest of the plants that you don’t want to kill, and then spread their leaves and take over the garden. I think I may have lost my mint shrub in last night’s spray-skirmish. And possibly the lavender, too.

Did you know that thistles can grow to the point where they look like miniature prickly palm trees? The thistle beside the pond now has a stalk which has a circumference of — and I kid you not — nine centimetres. Nine centimetres! Forget the weedkiller; what I really need is a hacksaw.

Main lesson learned from last night’s little adventure: Trying to spray a giant mutant thistle (thizilla?) is problematic in that there is no way to aim the spray nozzle that will not result in significant collateral damage elsewhere in the garden and surrounding environs. I think I may have accidentally squirted some weedkiller into the fish-pond, so I’m waiting with baited breath to see if the fish survive. Please, little goldfish, be hardy and strong. “Yes, yes, this is a fertile land pond, and we will thrive.” **

* Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s Charge of the Light Brigade about describes the level of success I’ve had with my campaign to rid the garden of weeds…
** With apologies to Firefly‘s Wash. 

April 21, 2007

The dandelion dilemma

Filed under: curiosities, the dandelion wars, the joy of life — iamza @ 9:24 pm

You know what annoys me most about dandelions? They don’t have the good grace to know when they’re supposed to die, damnit. I have now pulled out the same dandelion plant about three times, and each fortnight, it just grows back. To add insult to injury, it is now sporting a giant yellow flower, and nodding as if laughing at me. “Ha ha, you can’t kill me!”

I know, I know — to get rid of it permanently, I need to take out the roots. But, I swear, this dandelion has a root system that is anchored somewhere down near the asthenosphere. I’m scared if I pull too hard, or dig too deep, I’ll cause a major tectonic incident.

“Extra, extra: Freak magnitude 8.2 earthquake strikes the East Midlands. Gardener held for questioning. Read all about it!”

Another curious observation: I have pansies growing in the cracks in the concrete outside the kitchen. So, weeds have infested the flowerbeds, and the flowers have taken up residence in the cracks in concrete and bricks where weeds more traditionally reside. 

Okay, then.

Finally, a question for the ages: As a kid, I can remember listening to people going on and on about how cockroaches are incredibly hardy, and if there were ever a nuclear winter, cockroaches would likely be amongst the few organisms to survive. Personal experience leads me to think that dandelions, too, have great survival instincts. Now, throw in some radiation-induced mutation, and imagine Godzilla cockroaches battling it out against Day-of-the-Triffids-style dandelions. Who do you think would win?

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