Another Day, Another Blog

May 16, 2007

Morbidly yours

Filed under: humour, the joy of life — iamza @ 12:43 pm

Yesterday, my sister was telling me about the first time she visited a morgue. It sounded quite intriguing. The morgue, as per any good Hollywood thriller, was located in the basement of the hospital, and could only be accessed by a very long, shadowy hallway. The overhead fluorescent lighting flickered in a suitably spooky manner, and when she happened to mention that the morgue was located next to the cafeteria, I could feel the hair on the back of my neck starting to rise.

“Hi, I’ll have a cheese sandwich and, oh, do you have any dead feet stored away next door? You do? Great! I’ll have a couple of those to go, too, please.” 

The staff at the morgue also sounded a little, er, quirky. Apparently, the guy signing in the dead bodies was chatting up the corpses as he worked.

“Hello there, my darling. Not wearing any jewellery today, then? I know, I know, it’s over-rated, isn’t it? Come now, don’t be shy.”

Still, I suppose it could be worse. He could have been arguing with the newly departed–

“You’re wrong, and you know you’re wrong, and everybody here knows you’re wrong, and, and…Hitler! There, I said it. By Godwin’s Law this argument is now over, and I win. So there.”

–or doing his best Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal impersonation:

“Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?”

“Heh, yeah. Very convincing. Especially with that leather facemask and the straightjacket. So, uh, here’s your body, and I’m just gonna run and do that thing I gotta do. Outside, yeah. Outside and very far away. Bye!”  

Afterwards, I was trying to decide if quirkiness is a job requirement for working in morgue. 

POSITION AVAILABLE: Morgue assistant.

We are looking for hardworking people who don’t mind handling dead bodies. Must be willing to work flexible hours and have an oddball sense of humour. Zombies and golems need not apply. 

Perks: The customer is dead, so politeness is optional.

Scientifically, I guess, the first step to test whether all morgue people are quirky is to visit more morgues (or, in my case, have my sister visit more morgues). And to visit at different times of the day. Maybe all the really quirky people are only on duty during the day shift, and the graveyard shift people are ordinary?

So, anyone want to peg off so my sister can transport your body to the morgue for me? No? Come on, people, where’s your love of the scientific method? :-)

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