Another Day, Another Blog

May 9, 2007

Choking on a vote

Filed under: the joy of life, what not to say — iamza @ 7:00 am

Why does it always drizzle when I’m down in Devon? Why can’t it be drizzling at home, where my grass is slowly turning brown in that way grass has when it is hydro-asphyxiating?

Wouldn’t it be fun if grass turned blue when it was over-watered? Just think: in the height of summer when the water restrictions and hosepipe bans come in full force, the council could save so much time and effort when it comes to hunting down the ban breakers. Just look for the blue lawns, and send the coppers in to do a little fundraising for the public services.

Speaking of councils and public service, it’s been four days since the local elections, and I still don’t know who got into office in my area. I know who I voted for — almost a guarantee that they didn’t get elected — but never quite worked up the enthusiasm to look up the results once I’d performed my democratic duty and voted. It’s kind of like going to the horse races, laying down a bet, and then not sticking around to find out who won… 

Actually, that’s not entirely true. I did check the BBC website a couple of times on Friday, but my area was just very slow to finish counting the votes. Either that, or everyone who could vote in my area turned up at the polls, unlike the rest of the country. I don’t know, people just aren’t interested in going to the polls, and I can’t say as I really blame them. If everyone’s ballot paper looked like mine, there was no real choice in terms of candidates. Being asked to pick between Labour, the Tories, and the Lib Dems is like being asked to choose whether you’d prefer to die by choking, strangulation, or asphyxiation.

Thanks, but, uh, I prefer none of the above.

Sadly, there were no candidates from the Raving Monster Loony Party standing in my area. I would have voted for them based on the name alone. Hell, on my ballot paper, it said I could vote for three candidates — I’d have voted for the RMLP three times over.

I am somewhat tempted to stand as an independent in the next local election. I have no idea what I’d do if I accidentally got elected, but it’d be a fun way to meet the neighbours.

“Good afternoon, my name is Za and I’m hoping you’ll vote for me in the upcoming local election. I promise if I’m elected to overwater your lawn until it turns blue, and install some security guardfish (I personally favour goldfish, but piranhas aren’t bad) to keep those pesky burglars at bay. Also, I’ll make a raving monster loony costume of my very own to wear to all public functions that include the words Hallow and Een.

Hey, aren’t you glad I live next door?!”

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